Loving someone with borderline personality disorderLoving someone with borderline personality disorder
The concern for a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is launched on a roller coaster ride from being loved and praised to being abandoned and beaten. Having the TLP is not easy, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time, and in severe cases, on the borderline between reality and psychosis. His illness distorts his perception, provoking antagonistic behavior and making the world a dangerous place. The pain and terror of abandonment and the unwanted sensation can be so great that suicide feels like a better option.
If you like drama, emotion and intensity, enjoy the trip, because things will never be calm. After a passionate start, a stormy relationship awaits you that includes accusations and anger, jealousy, intimidation, control, and breakage due to the insecurity of the person with BPD.
Nothing is gray or gradual. For people with BPD, things are black and white. They have the Jekyll and Hyde personality par excellence. They fluctuate dramatically between idealization and devaluation and suddenly and sporadically can change throughout the day. You never know what or who to expect.
Their intense, labile emotions rise when they are in good spirits and crush when they are not. You are a prince or a jerk, a princess or a witch. If you are on the outs with them, all your bad feelings get projected on you. They can be vengeful and punish with words, silence, or other manipulations, which can be very damaging to their self-esteem. Unlike bipolar disorder, your moods change rapidly and are not a deviation from your normal state. What you see is your norm.
Your emotions, behavior and unstable relationships, including work history, reflect an image of yourself based on fragile shame. This is often marked by sudden changes, sometimes to the point that they feel nonexistent. It gets worse when you are alone. Therefore, they are dependent on others and can often seek the advice of several people on the same issue on the same day. They are desperate to be loved and cared for, however, they are excessively alert to detect any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment. It is common for family members or friends to be "betrayed" by them.
For them, trust is always a problem, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia. They see you as for or against them and should have their side. They dare not defend their enemy or try to justify or explain any light they claim to have experienced. They may try to bait in anger, then falsely accuse them of rejecting them, make you doubt reality and their sanity, or even brainwash them as emotional manipulation. It is not unusual for friends and family members who feel they have betrayed them to cut.
They react to their deep fears of abandonment with the needy and clinging behavior or the anger and fury that reflect their own biased reality and self-image. On the other hand, they also fear the romantic fusion that they try to create, because they are afraid of being dominated or swallowed by the excess of intimacy. In a close relationship, they have to walk the tightrope to balance the fear of being alone or being too close. For this, they try to control with commands or manipulation, including adulation and seduction. While narcissists enjoy being understood, too much understanding scares the border.
In general, they are codependent borders, and find another codependent to merge with and to help them. They look for someone to provide stability and balance their changing emotions. A codependent or narcissist who acts self-reliant and controls their feelings can provide a perfect combination. The border partner indirectly comes alive through the melodrama provided by the TLP.
The person with BPD may seem to be the weakest in the relationship, while their partner is the constant top dog, no need and care. In fact, both are co-dependent and it is difficult for any of them to leave. Each of them exercise control in different ways.
The TLP can not do it through care. A codependent who also longs for love and the fear of abandonment can become the perfect caregiver for someone with BPD (which they feel will not leave). The codependent is easy to seduce and lead by romance and the person with the openness and extreme vulnerability of the TLP. Passion and intense emotions are giving life to the person without BPD, who is found to be just healthy depressed people or experiences as boring.
Codependents already have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, so they placate, accommodate and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give more and more control of the border and further seal their low self-esteem and the codependence of the couple.
Borderline need limits. Establishing a limit can sometimes adjust you to leave your delusional thinking. Calling your bluff is also useful. Both strategies require that you build your self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and get emotional support outside. Giving in to them and giving them control does not make them feel more secure, but quite the opposite. See also my blog in the manipulation.
BPD affects more women than men and two percent of the US population. DBP is usually diagnosed in adulthood when there has been a pattern of impulsiveness and instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions. They may use alcohol, food or drugs or addiction to others to try to self-medicate their pain, but it only exacerbates it.
Like all personality disorders, BPD exists on a continuum, from mild to severe. To diagnose BPD, at least five of the following symptoms must be lasting and present in a variety of areas:
- Frantic efforts to avoid a real or imaginary abandonment.
- The unstable and intense personal relationships, marked by the idealization and the devaluation of the alternation.
- Sensation persistent instability of itself.
- Risky, potentially harmful to himself impulsivity in at least two areas (eg, substance abuse, reckless behavior, sex, spending)
- Recurrent self-mutilation or suicidal threats or behavior. (This is not suitable for Nos. 1 or 4.) Around eight to 10 percent actually commit suicide.
- Mood changes (for example, depression, irritability, or anxiety), the mood lasts no more than a few days.
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
- Frequent, intense, inappropriate temper or anger.paranoid thoughts related to stress or serious transient dissociative symptoms.
Unlike narcissists, who often avoid therapy, they usually welcome frontiers; However, before the recent innovations in treatment, its effectiveness has been questioned. The use of medication and DBT, CBT, and some other modalities have proven their usefulness. Borderline need structure, and a combination of knowing that they are concerned and firm boundaries communicated calmly.
Today, the TLP is no longer a life sentence. Studies have shown that some people recover on their own, some improve with weekly therapy, and some require hospitalization. Long-term treatment is required for maximum results, with the relief of symptoms improving every time. A 10-year study showed a substantial remission after 10 years.
The use of medication and DBT, CBT, schema therapy and some other modalities have proven useful. Most individuals with BPD have another co-producing diagnosis, such as addiction or depression. Acute symptoms decrease more rapidly than temperamental ones, such as anger, loneliness and emptiness and problems of abandonment or dependency.
Borderline need structure, and a combination of knowing that they are concerned about boundaries that communicate more calmly and firmly. For partners, it is also important to seek treatment in order to raise their self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and set limits.