In this article on Transkerja.com, we explain what you can do if your child does not accept your new partner , what behaviors can be seen in it and how to solve it.
Children, breaking the bond between their parents, often tend to approach it as something very bad, think that this new person will steal the love of dad and mom or that they will leave. We will take into account that for them the family is the space where they feel safe and comfortable, it is their comfort zone, if it breaks everything wobbles. We must have patience, understanding and a lot of empathy.
There are several factors so that your partner and your child do not get along and can vary in how traumatic a separation can be, including: the child's age, personality, maturity, sensitivity, how we approach the problem, how it was the current relationship with their parents, etc.
How can my child react to the arrival of my new partner?These are some of the behaviors or reactions that your child may suffer before the arrival of a new partner in your life:
- I reject and hate your partner.
- Disrespect (especially in older children).
- Constant attention calls.
- Agitation or depressive traits.
- Much attachment or on the contrary little attachment.
- Irritation for everything.
- Decreased appetite.
- In young children there may be behavioral regressions: peeing in bed, wanting a bottle ...
My son does not accept my partner: what do I do?
Verbalize the problemFirst of all, we must verbalize the problem. We must see the child as a competent and active being to the world. We should not give less importance to a child's problem than to an adult's problem. We will explain that no one will try to replace either of us and we must also verbalize the needs we have as adults, the right to rebuild our lives. If the child feels that his concerns have never been taken into account or simply has never been given importance, he may not now know that he can do so. We will try to convey that mom and dad are by your side so that you can express yourself and externalize your concerns without being judged or belittled for being a child.
Have patienceWe must give it time , have patience. Children have the right not to accept everything at first. For adults, there are things or situations that we simply don't like or that take longer to accept. To them, the same thing happens to them and it is important not to impose anything just because. Rationalize and understand the child. If we give him the ability to question himself and see what he likes or doesn't like, we are giving him the possibility to build his own personality and identity.
We will not force them to make emotional demonstrations, we will not force them to kiss or hug our new partner. They will be the ones who will choose when they want to start showing their affection towards her.
DialogueBefore introducing your new partner, talk about your relationship with your child as smoothly as possible. Go explaining and preparing the ground before a meeting, so you can see his reaction and if it is a good time to present it or not. We must also be sure that the relationship is stable, it may simply not be the time and we can wait to do so.
Plan meetingsIn order for the child to become familiar with the new partner , we can jointly plan some specific plan that he loves. If we integrate the new couple in an environment where the child feels comfortable and comfortable, it will be easier to approve. At the beginning, you can go to days, days to be well and days can make behavioral regressions. It is totally normal. We must give time.
Change the focus of our lookSee beyond and change the focus of our gaze. When a child gets angry or makes a tantrum, he doesn't do it because he does. Each behavior has a reason behind, which we do not see. To help understand it, we can imagine an iceberg: the tantrum is what you see, what stands out of the water, and what is under water we can understand it as the reason for the tantrum or anger (insecurities, misunderstanding, fears, emotional lack of control , etc.). We can use this method for all types of conflict, there is always something behind a bad behavior or a wake up call.
Especially in younger children, we will try to ensure that habits and routines are not affected too much, especially if the new couple joins daily life. Children need routines, routines give them stability and when they are affected, some difficulty may be added to the separation itself.