If you have ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally inaccessible, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the person you love. They are evasive, excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. It ends up feeling lonely, depressed, unimportant, or rejected.
In general, women complain about emotionally inaccessible men. However, many women are not aware that they are emotionally inaccessible, too. When hooked on someone else who is (think Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big), the problem is disguised as yours. This keeps him in denial of his own lack of availability.
There are several types of unavailability, both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been out of service due to a mental illness or a problematic childhood. Others temporarily do something higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, a project or a health problem.
Recently divorced or widowed people who temporarily cannot be ready to get involved with someone new. In the middle are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they have been affected by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often, these different reasons for lack of overlap availability, and it is difficult to determine if the problem is chronic or will happen.
If you are looking for a close, committed relationship, a person who lives in another state, or who is married or even in love with another person will not be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are not available because their addiction is the priority and that controls them. However, some people give the appearance of availability and talk openly about their feelings and their past. They do not realize until you are already in a relationship that you are unable to really connect emotionally or make a commitment.
10 signs of someone emotionally unavailableHere is a list of more subtle warning signs that may indicate lack of availability, especially when several add up. They apply to both sexes. Below are questions to ask to find out if you are ready for a committed relationship.
1. Flirting with adulation. Men who are too flattering can also be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good in short-term privacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but prefer the pursuit to capture.
2. Control. Someone who does not run into any problem modifying his routine. Usually, commitment phobias are inflexible commitments and they detest. Relationships revolve around them.
3. Listen Your date may hint or even admit that he or she is not good at relationships or does not believe or is not ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe in them. Ignore vulnerability, boasting, and compliments.
4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You can learn that the previous relationships ended in the stage where intimacy develops normally.
5. Applicants for perfection. These people seek and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they are afraid of intimacy. When they can not find the imperfection, their anxiety increases. Over time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Do not be tempted to believe that you are better than your previous partners are.
6. Anger Note the rudeness to the waiters and others, which reveals the contained anger. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.
7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who boasts and acts arrogant, indicating low self-esteem. You have to have confidence to be intimate and committed.
8. Delay. Chronic tardiness is inconsiderate, and may indicate that the person is avoiding a relationship, but do not assume that punctuality means that he or she is a good match.
9. Invasive or evasive. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate early questions about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to develop. On the contrary, someone can hide his or her past due to shame, which can create an obstacle to get closer.
10. Seduction. Beware of sexual signals given too soon. Seducers avoid authenticity, as they do not believe they are enough to maintain a couple. Once the relationship becomes more real, they will sabotage it. Seduction is a game of power and about conquest.
Most people reveal their emotional availability from the beginning. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there is mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be the right man or woman, however, it is emotionally inaccessible; one is left with nothing but pain. If you ignore, deny or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointments, you run the risk of suffering long-term misery.
10 questions to askBe honest with yourself about your own availability.
- Are you angry with the opposite se*x? Do you like jokes at your expense? If so, you may need to recover from the hurts of the past before you feel comfortable approaching someone.
- How do you make excuses to prevent them from meeting?
- Do you think that you are so independent that you do not need anyone?
- Are you afraid of falling in love, since you may get hurt?
- Are you always waiting for the other shoe to fall? Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting good.
- Are you distrustful? Maybe you have been betrayed or lied to in the past and now you are looking for it all over the world.
- Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet moments with distractions?
- Do you feel uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets? Are you ashamed that they make you feel undesirable or worthy of being loved?
- In general, do you want to keep your options open in case someone else comes?
- Are you afraid of a relationship that can put too many expectations on you, that you would give your independence or lose your autonomy?